I felt alone and exhausted. Funny, because I had a wife who was my best friend, and children who loved me. But I woke up every day and wished to die.
I was a Christian but felt unworthy to be in church. I knew I was the hypocrite… the guy with a smile on his face Sunday morning, and cursing in front of his kids on the way home. I was a self-made man (or so I wanted everyone to believe), but underneath the facade, I was the guy who had lost several businesses and was struggling to keep the current one going. My life had many hidden layers… different layers known to different people.
I was addicted to anger, secret fits of rage and confrontation. I used porn. I vented my unhappiness in emotional voltage that took many forms. Though I never struck anyone in my family, they suffered the emotional damage of living with a depressed and angry man. The physical signs of abuse were not present… but the emotional carnage was everywhere.
That was my life, if it could be called a life, for decades. Then I embarked on a journey last summer… a journey into the safety and rest of my Savior God. It has been rocky and difficult. Painful. But worth every step. He is worth every step. This journey will never end and will have many setbacks and dangers and fears. But I will fix my eyes on Jesus, and I know that He will do the work, the heavy lifting, to carry me through.
Come join me… rejoice or cry or whatever you need to do… but join me as I journal through the journey.