That Which I Hate, I Do

Obedience and surrender to God…. I want this. It is to Him and His Law that I wish to surrender. He is my innermost desire. I’m drawn to Him irresistibly. I wish, with all my heart, to obey Him, love Him, trust Him and and surrender to Him. I “joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man.”

Yet I see a reality in my life, an operative and hard-wired nature that wars against the desire I have to love and obey Him. I see within my mind careless and thoughtless things, selfish ambition, and a hundred other sins, all clamoring for dominance. Self love that wars against His love. As self love surfaces from my mind to become action, it leaves ugly scars…. terrible and ugly scars.

No amount of my “surrendering” has stopped this war, nor has it “given me the victory” over a selfish nature that craves its own way and its demand to take the throne of decision making within me.

That which I hate, I do.

I am indeed wretched. I live in a body and nature of death… there is nothing native in me that is righteous or able to fully comply with the law of the One whom I desire.

Begone and shut up, you who tell me to “surrender” and “obey” and consecrate myself more wholly to the Lord, as if my own will has the power to do this. I have walked many aisles of surrender, and made countless commitments to “follow him” and obey Him. I have strived to “be a disciple” in word and deed.

Just like Peter, I have said, Lord I will follow you wherever you go. And just like Peter, I have denied him, cursed Him and gone out and wept bitterly afterwards.

You, my friends, have often said to me… try harder. Confess and forsake your sin. To you I answer… I’ve done that. Yet the “law of self” still wars within my mind, and to it I yield far too often.

Who shall deliver me from this? For I am not able to deliver myself from it.

Where is my hope? It’s no longer in my commitment, or my faith, or my surrender.

Lord Jesus, my Savior and Friend… I look at you and see that you completely surrendered to the Father. You completely obeyed. You had perfect faith. You satisfied all the righteous demands of my holy God. Your Word tells me that you lived a sinless life in my place, and that you died in my place. You fulfilled all the moral demands of conscience and God’s law in my place. Your Word tells me that you are my new representative, not Adam, who was my sinful human father. More than that, I read in your Word, that you come to live within me, in my heart and mind, by your Holy Spirit. And it says that somehow, this introduces a “new law” of life.

Teach me this. Teach my heart this “other law” of the Spirit of Life in You.

Has this “law” of the Spirit of life in you truly set me free? You say that it has, but I cannot wrap my mind around that… not really. Grant me faith, for my own faith is too weak to gasp this. There is so much I don’t understand dear Savior. I even call you Savior and yet I’m sure that I don’t truly understand that either… but I want to. You have said I am free. I have so many questions, questions of the heart, and yes, of the mind. Please whisper the answers, through your Word, to my aching heart. Let me learn of you, at your feet, like a child.

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