He must end me or mend me

I cannot go on as I am. And God is too kind to allow it. I despair of life.

I need a doctor.

But I’ve been to the doctors. Doctors of the body (MD) and doctors of the soul (M.Div). On their best days, they aren’t enough.

All the doctor’s horses, and all the doctor’s men, can’t put this broken Humpty Dumpty together again.

I need a Doctor.

I have a sickness which I never asked for. An existence I never chose. A will within me that is bent to self-rule and self-destruction.

A miserable, whimpering, idol-worshipping will that craves self-validation and the validation of others.

In sin did my mother conceive me. In sin I was trained. Sin destroys my brain and soul. Sin causes my body to age and die. Sin is at war with the Spirit of God who has given me spiritual life.

I was doomed before I started. My frontal lobe deformed as it grew.

I was terminal before 10.

My sickness… my disease of sin… it’s so pervasive that it causes me to choose to embrace it as my identity.

What is to be done, then?

God must either mend me or end me… one of the two! He cannot let me go on as I am!

Which shall it be, destruction or salvation?

Many days I lack whatever it takes to even desire healing.

“Oh wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from this body of death?”

God the Physician

I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will lead him and restore comfort to him. Isaiah 57:18

God looks at me and says:

I will heal him. That is what I will do with him.

I cannot endure that he should act as he does.

I will therefore set to work upon him as a physician does upon a sick patient.

Though the case would be quite hopeless unless I were Omnipotent, I will bring my Omnipotent Love to bear on this foul, leprous, rotting, loathsome sinner and I will make him clean, pure, and lovely.

I will heal him.

I cannot leave him in My universe as he is, for he spreads infection all around. He pollutes the very air he breathes. He must not be allowed to go on in this way.

What must I do with him?

I will not destroy him, but I will heal him.

(From from CHS)

I believe this.

I don’t know how I believe this, except that even the belief… the desire… is a work of the Healer within me.

He sent His Word and healed them. Psalm 107:20

He sent Christ, fullness of God in human flesh, to heal me.

He sends Christ now, through the Spirit, to heal me.

I was condemned by the disease I inherited. Helpless and hopeless. An unholy and harmful human being.

But He would not let that stand. He sought me. He seeks me even now.

He waged war on my death-nature on the cross in His body. He won. He healed me by His wounds. He wages war right now against my death nature. He wins, for He is God and King. He heals me by His Spirit.

I believe this.

I have been healed. I am being healed. I will be healed. Jesus, my Doctor, has the final word:

I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10

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