December 16, midnight

Oh Ken, I have so much going on inside, and I am so sad. I am so tired, and I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight again because of the pain.

Dear Hurt Ken, hang in there, you usually sleep by the 4am dose. You will not be alone. Remember that Father God loves you and will not let go of you. You are not alone.

Dear Ken, I cannot pray sometimes, and I cannot focus even on Him… I’m trying… it’s so hard. I’m trying to be brave, but most of the time I’m not brave anymore.

Dear Hurt Ken, you are precious and loved by your Heavenly Father, and He wants to carry you… He understands your weakness. He also knows your heart desire, that you want to focus on Him. That is enough. You do not have to be brave… it’s ok to let Him be brave for you. Lean into Him with all your fears and weariness.

Dear Ken, I have been loved by so many people through this. But it makes me think of those distant ones, ranging from enemies holding grudges against me, to those who used to be close but my “too muchness” has driven them away from me. I can hear the clucking of those who say to themselves… aha… see, he is getting the judgment he deserves. He is so proud and sure of himself. God has struck him down. And I feel that I deserve their abandonment. Their silence in my suffering is like a mighty roar in my head. I feel the weight of the silent ones pressing down upon me, even though so many others are lifting me up in compassion. I doubt my sincerity before God. The ones against me make me feel that I can never know if I’m cherished by God, for they do not cherish me. I am weakened by their lack of pity. How can so few wield so much power over my soul?!

Dear Hurt Ken, oh precious tired one… you must rest in this truth… God is for you. If He is purging your sinful nature through these trials, it is for your good. It is not because He is angry with you. Do you not hate your own sin and self ways too? Now you have a Divine Partner who will do what you have always been unable to do… He will cut away all that you hate inside of you… pride and self will. He is using these very trials to do that. He is creating in you the beautiful image of Christ. His commitment to you has always been by His choice… His desire to love you. He loves you though He sees better than your enemies all of the depths of sin that still live in your soul. Don’t worry… He is at work though this to free you from the power and control of that sin. You want Him to. You have asked for this freedom… and when you asked, you knew what He uses… the trails of life that affect us all. But in His hands, those trials, your suffering, is His raw material to work in you something beautiful. He has not abandoned you.

Dear Hurt Ken… remove your gaze from others tonight. Just for tonight, ask our Heavenly Father for blinders, like a horse… blinders that only let us see Christ our Shepherd… Christ, our Righteousness… Christ, our Friend and Big Brother. Christ our Priest who intercedes for us when Satan, others and we ourselves call ourselves by names we no longer are… liar, hypocrite, arrogant and proud. He calls you by a new name.

You are clean and pure by His work for us and in us. He looks at you always and only with tender eyes.

Your suffering is a vehicle for you to find freedom from the lie that you can control your own life. That lie is a burden, and that lie, as often as you live it out, hurts others too. Praise Him, our loving God, for He does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Thank Him that He has not spared you from the trials that all of us go through, because these trials help you rest in His sufficiency.

Rejoice tonight that He is with you in the very middle of every deep painful breath, comforting you and teaching you of Himself.