I’m overwhelmed this morning with fear, failure, and exhaustion.
The stresses of overdue bills and the suffering of others… the loss of mental focus as the cares of my business have begun to paralyze my brain… the shut-down affect of so many four-alarm business and bill fires that I am lost and have no idea where to start… the deep sense of I’ve let everyone down… I’m a burden to my pastor and church… I’m a thing to endure to my wife… I’m an old man to be pitied by his children…
I was reminded last night in a phone call that I had forgotten and neglected a dear friend in his suffering. A friend who suffers in silence too embarrassed to suffer out loud.
They shut my internet off this morning.
I had the cash to pay it days ago.
Like I am forgetting a dozen other critical things every week.
Each forgetting creates a new problem which piles on stress which shuts my brain down more.
I just finished a sobbing that erupted from deep within. I hurt. I’m scared. I feel alone.
I sat and cried help.
Then Christ came and sat with me. He whispered the Word preached yesterday… Colossians 3.
I’m chosen, holy, and loved by the Father. I believe this… Lord help my unbelief!
And he helped my unbelief by reminding me that when I’m asked to “put on” on these clothes, clothes that seem so distant and impossible to put on today:
He reminded me that this describes Him… my Master.
Christ my Shepherd, my Friend and my Master… HE IS THESE THINGS.
He is compassionate to me right now. Full of kindness and meekness and gentleness and love.
Forgiveness his first reflex.
He humbles himself, right now, to sit with me as I cry. Washing the dirty feet of my soul… with hands that created me.
I’m not alone.
He has the scars to prove that he’s not embarrassed by me.
He stills the storm in me even in my unbelief… and as the seas calm… says to me gently… oh ye of little faith!
And he stays with me. Even in my little faith.
He is not ashamed to be called my friend and my brother.
He’s so beautiful.
Though I may not live to see deliverance from my personal mess in this life…
He has already delivered me.
In the darkest hour, oh Lord… do not let me forsake you!
Let me be as those faith-filled women who stood at the foot of the cross and never left.
Last to leave the cross… first at the tomb.
First to see the mighty hand of God raise the dead.
Though you slay me, yet will I trust you.